Stop Expecting

  

I thought I should add a personal touch this week and share my story- just so we can to know each other better; how do you like the sound of that? So here is my story: I recently joined WhatsApp- thanks to the genius who raised alarm bells to the service providers about how much money they were losing through the unlimited supply of data for only R60 per month that came with BIS. Well, too be fair we still have BBM at R59 per month with the BAS, but unfortunately some inglorious mugger decided to take my best friend’s blackberry and I was with no choice but to join the WhatsApp revolution.  So as a newbie on WhatsApp, one day I decided to just go through my contacts to see who is who in the zoo and I happened to come across this picture:

BIS and BAS stand for Blackberry Internet Service and Blackberry Absolute Service respectively; not common sense huh? Anyway to say the least, the picture didn't have much significance at that moment but I decided to save it anyway because that is something I do. I am not sure why I do it though, apart from thinking that they might come in handy one day. I guess it's just instinct. Yes, let's call it that. Anyway, I saved it and forgot about it until last Sunday. Let’s just say I had too much expectations Sunday, and they were not necessarily high expectation- but none were met. First I went to church and I was very excited we finally have a nice big venue after months of uncertainty and hardship.  Oh well, it turned out big is not always good as i could barely hear anything with the echo in that venue. As expected, after hopeless attempts to actively focus on what was happening, the mind just ends up racing all over God knows what. 

Anyway, I went to Mzoli’s afterwards thinking my day was about to get better. I was happy to be with my chommas and was looking forward to the meat too until I saw the queue to the butchery. You would swear it was teenagers queuing to get Justin Bieber's autograph on their parts. Fortunately, my chommas are well connected so they made it to the cashier within 15 minutes and I thought to myself in no longer than an hour I will be sinking my teeth in that sticky marinated tender steak. Oh well, expectation is one thing and reality is a totally different thing. Four hours later, there was neither meat, nor a place to sit. So I decided to practice what I preach and called it quits! 

I was upset. As I was driving home I found myself deep in the conversation of why small and medium-sized enterprises fail. I won't bore you with the details of that conversation but to say the least, I gave them a zero on customer service- they operate on a take it you or leave it system. Well, that is just my opinion. So, shortly after I got to that place I call ‘home’ (for now) I got a message from my friend telling me about a UCT Confessions page that seems to be a hit. So I went like “What! Isn't that something for small institutions like them WSUs and Varsity College?"  I am the kind of person who likes putting things into context. As a result by the time I went to take a look at it, I already knew what I was going to find there- big mistake! Once again, I found myself disappointed and I had no one to blame but myself for the expectations I created all by myself. I mean, as I browsed through it I couldn't help but keep inserting the words "Dear Sis Dolly" before each "confession".

As I went through the events of the day in my head later on, I realized there was only one constant in all these scenarios that  ended in disappointments and that was my expectations. Had I stopped expecting and just went with the flow (which is quite a challenge for me); I would have saved myself from all this emotional turmoil. So I decided to take that note in the picture there a little bit personal and started a new chapter of not expecting. It sounds really simple; if someone offends you, do not expect them to apologise otherwise you might grow grey hair waiting. Like Jesus did, just ask God to forgive them (or in my case, just write them off) and move on. If you like someone, do not expect them to like you back- it's just not fair. Let’s face it now; you too do not like everyone who likes you. Share your problems with people because you find it therapeutic, but do not expect them to solve them for you or give advice because the reality is, for as long as they are not part of the equation, the solution will always look simpler on their eyes. Trust me o this one; but do not expect me to be not wrong. 

Get Your Priorities Right!

There has been too much negative energy around me the past couple of weeks. So much such that my brain found it hard to channel inspiring thoughts that I would happily share with you. So, I took a decision not to post this week, until one of my colleagues whom I now call ‘Coach’ told me that he visited the blog and could not find my new post. So I said to him “No, I can't write today, I don't want to lose my job”. So he interpreted that as me saying I cannot be working on my blog during work hours, but what I really meant was the topic that I have in mind is quite “political” and I am worried I might get into trouble if I post it. So he insisted on hearing what it might be about and when it comes to telling stories, I am not the kind that kisses and does not tell- I mean what’s the point if I am going to keep it all to myself? I share for the benefit of those who do not get so they can at least feed their imagination- Oops! I’m getting a little carried away now, am I not?

Anyway, back to the story….apologies for the pinch of sugar that I am going to add, but it’s for the best. Yes, I used that line which usually means the opposite. Don't worry; I am going to get to the story eventually. The story unfortunately is not rosy as I have mentioned that I have been channelling some negative energy lately. I mean, who wouldn't when we have people carrying poop buckets at the heart of the city at day time? So, as the person who doesn't like complaining I found myself asking if I was a mayor of any city what would I have done differently? Then it occurred to me that I actually have no idea what a mayor’s job entails. I know what you thinking, I am not ignorant, I am just very selective about the things I concern myself with- and politics do not feature in my list.  

To cut the story short, apart from the service delivery story we all know about, there are also things like ribbon cutting and spreading and spreading the IDP evangelism. You know what IDP is mos- the whole Safe City and Inclusive city business. Now that we talking about being "inclusive" it just makes me wonder who exactly does it apply to when we have groups labelled as "thugs"....just thinking. I wonder if those people have any place in the  "inclusive" city.   Anyway, my general assumption when I saw the ribbon cutting part as one of the roles  was that it probably applies to occasion like opening of new schools, clinics or rehab centres, things that really matter in the community so to say. At least those are the occasions where I would see mayors on TV with scissors, a bottle of champagne and a huge smile- that is the glamorous side of the job, especially if you are the kind of person who likes watching themselves on TV. Juggling public relations and service delivery however may be a tricky business- again, especially if you are the kind of person who likes watching themselves on TV. So this brings us to one thing-Prioritisation.

Getting your priorities right from the beginning really makes all the difference. Let me give you a simple example, if you were a mayor and you got an invitation to go and cut a ribbon because the first ever branch of Burger King in the province is being opened in Bloemfontein and you also get a complaint about poop buckets that have not been collected for months in Hennenman, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? “Let me phone my hairdresser and make an appointment, I can’t be seen on TV with this hair…the range rover will make a good impression…which cousin must I take with me this time” You get the picture! So this thing we call prioritisation is what speaks sense to you when all your mind is concerned about are petty issues like looking nice for the media. Prioritisation is what tells you to snap out of your selfishness and think of the effects of living with poop at your doorstep and smelling it in your kitchen. Hence, I will now conclude by saying if i was a mayor of any city, prioritisation would be my focal point... What do you think? Oh! one more thing, i would probably stick to "no comment" when confronted by the media until i get hold of my speech writer- it's called damage control. 

Is That What You Call Pride?

I am not a loner. People consider me a loner based on my after work activities- or lack of. When I get to that place I call home after work, I grab something to eat from the kitchen on my way to my bedroom upstairs. I get to my room and watch TV until I go to sleep. On average, I spend about 6 hours without talking to anyone, except via mobile chats. This excludes the 8 hours spent at work where I probably do enough share of talking per day.  I get my food as I walk in because my TV shows have started already by the time I get home and would probably go on until 21:30; I kid you not.

So while you still wondering what's so special about these TV shows, let me relieve you and tell you the truth-  I learn from them. Like last night I got to learn what Open Relationships really are on Intersexions. By the way, I do not have DSTV so I can't record my shows and watch them later- genius!  Seriously though, they do educate me. When I first saw the term open relationship on Facebook I thought Zuckerberg was just trying to be cool. But that's really a story for another day. The story I would like is to look into today is the story of pride.

Again, I am  going to make reference to one of my favourite TV shows Generations. You know that show that used to be a Soapie in the 90's but is now referred to as Drama but somehow still makes its way to the Soapie Awards?  Most of you have or still do watch it, which makes no difference really because you still read about it on social networks from posts by proud fans like me. Speaking of being proud, let’s look at the character Dineo Dikobe-Thlaole-Dlomo. She desperately needs a baby to save her marriage. Hey marriage though! So she claims that she is willing to do whatever it takes to fall pregnant. Yet, she refuses to go see the herbalist her proud mother recommended to her. Now get this right- she uses the medication her mother brings from this herbalist. But she just cannot be seen going in there herself. No doubt in most viewers’ eyes her pride seems to be superseding her commitment into getting herself knocked up “against all odds”.

Just to bring some clarity, pride probably has more than two faces but the most common that we are familiar with Is that of pride as an emotion. You know, that feeling of exhilaration you get when you walk up Jammie stairs on your graduation day- that’s pride. Then there’s also the “who am I” kind of pride often associated with those people who have  high opinions of themselves. This is the form some social psychologists identify as linked to a signal of high social status. Enough about the theory. Back to our case study, reality is by virtue of this lady using the medication we can safely say she has nothing against herbalist and would probably go to the herbalist if his/her premises had a boutique kind of look somewhere in Melrose Arch or Sandton Square.  But unfortunately,  it happens to be in Soweto and you know how paparazzi deals.

Pride is a tricky thing I get it, but I feel like sometimes we often just hide behind it when we are in fact imprisoned by our fears.  If I can make a simple example, you are a guy and would like to invite a girl on a date, would you ever consider KFC?  And as a girl, if a boy you like invited you to KFC on your first date, would you proudly dress up, put on make–up, update your Facebook or BBM status and be there?... Didn’t think so too!  Yet you know you  love Kentucky fried chicken and would likely make a stop there for satisfaction on your way from your date in that fancy restaurant.  So on the guy’s side we can say he fears that he may be seen as coming across as very cheap. While the girl on the one side fears what her friends might make of this guy long term in the relationship. Once again it boils down to fear. You miss a potentially good opportunity for a nice conversation free from the restaurant music which is sometimes loud.

As a serial TV watcher that I am, I also managed to catch the show "Against All Odds” last night. It was very inspiring to hear stories of people who were once queue marshals at taxi ranks and some selling sweets and chips by the roadside but now own companies that has stake in JSE listed companies, while the other is an internationally recognised Jewellery Designers, respectively. The difference between you and them is that while you sat down there at the bottom of the stair saying  “I won’t do it” they slowly took steps up the stairs and they did it! 

Musicians face rejection everyday but they keep going until they establish their target market. I am currently reading Maya  Angelou’s first book  I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings . In her Acknowledgements she says she would like to thank John Killens who told  her she could write, Nana Kobina who insisted that she must, and Gerald Purcell who believed concretely… “Look at her now”!!! 

Without saying any further, let me just say it’s Time 2 Call It Quits! again, stop sitting at the bottom of the stairs, stop hiding behind pride and face your fears. You will thank me one day.

Wake-up Call

Today I am going to share Miranda's story- obviously Miranda is not her real name. Miranda is a lady I met on the train a couple of times. Fortunately or unfortunately I happen to be that person random strangers just find it easy to open up to. So the same happened in Miranda's situation. She started by complementing me on my hair and wanted to know where I do it, which I found a bit odd considering she has no dreadlocks, but I answered anyway. In no time, Miranda was off-loading her marriage issues onto me. It was a bit awkward considering the age difference between me and her, plus I am not even qualified to give advice on that department. Anyway, who said I needed to give any, I could just listen; maybe I will learn one or two things. Yah that's what you get for looking a bit mature for your age. Considering that I would be a year older in less than a month anyway- will be turning 21 (again), I did the grownup thing and listened like I gave a dime.

To cut the story short, she told me that she dated a married man who at some point promised to get a divorce and marry her. My mind quickly went into a judgmental state, "and you fell for that!?" -I thought. Anyway to my disappointment I later found out in the story that they actually did get married- my bad! Mistresses do get their happily-ever-after after all.

Longest train journey of my life, I tell you! Didn't I just fill the blanks in the story to find that the wife had actually died? But I just had to confirm " so the wife died?" I asked. Using my television detective tactics combined with what I learnt in my sociology studies (yes I studied that too- long story), I closely observed the expression on her face as she uttered her sheeply "Ye-e...yes"  So, basically he never really got the divorce, I cannot say I am surprised. So there I am with all these thoughts racing in my mind thinking if I ask how she died it might be a long story and we might get to the destination before she finishes it. So do I just go straight to the point and ask if she killed her? Obviously she is still talking while my mind is busy playing tricks on me. So when my attention drifted back to her, she was telling me about how the husband is siding with her stepchildren who are putting a strain on their marriage.

She told me stories of unnecessary things she did for these kids who are in their early teens and how they have been ungrateful and how they keep throwing those things right back at her face. All I could think was " Oh! women, you have been really 'gatkruip-ing'". At present, she was particularly upset about a sweet sixteen that she organised for the stepdaughter and she didn't even show up for it. The dad had told her that the daughter wants to celebrate with her close friends, nothing big, but she went to the bank, got a loan and threw a marvellous sour sixteen. So the daughter stood by her word and went to  play with her friends. Now Miranda is in debt and the husband is out of a job and to say the children are not fond of her is just an understatement. So with all the tension she suggested living apart for a while to ease the tension at which the husband gladly agreed to. She however did not move out as she got suspicious that the husband would get up to no good in her absence, so she did not move out. So the husband got tired of the wait (my words, not hers) and started sleeping out. She confronted him and demanded answers and all the husband could say was " Did it ever bother you when I slept at your place before you moved in?"

With that in mind, I just could not stop wondering what she was still doing in that crisis. She has no kid, dog or cat. She has a job and boobs which I believe is more than what she needs to get herself out there and start building something of herself than what she is currently settling for- not judging her, just saying. Almost all things on earth reach their sell-by dates at some point and we still push past the best before date only to realise that it was really not worth it at the end. This does not apply to marriage and relationships only. It applies to friendships, work and  religious life. Think of that parasitic friend who only thinks of you when he needs something and you never hear from him again until he bites dust again; Think of that guy who has been working for the company for 18 years and has watched everyone get promoted and his turn never comes. As hard as it is, I think we need to learn to stop trying to fix people and accept that we outgrow each other at some point in time.  It's okay to outgrow your friends, it's not your fault that they are not growing. But if you choose to limit your own growth at the expense of protecting their feelings, that's on you. But if you asked me...I'd tell you it's Time 2 Call It Quits!

What will you be remembered for?

In the light of the sad passing of our legendary Vuyo Mbuli, I have come to realise how lightly we take life. We wake up on a Monday morning and whine and groan about how short Sunday night was and how quick the weekend went by. We live life like we are entitled to it. It’s almost like we have no sense of gratitude at all! Day in, day out, we complain about how we are not making enough money, how the waiter took forever before he could bring our food, how the petrol prices keep going up and so on…and so on. You are alive!!! Do you have any idea what a privilege that is?

You know what? Next time you feel like moaning and groaning about such petty issue, just tell yourself to get a grip, you are alive!!! The scary part is, you have no idea how long it may stay like that. That on its own is a reason why you need to stop wasting time whining and groaning. Just get up and do something meaningful with your life. You have seen and heard the beautiful things people had to say about Vuyo. He did not just show up at work on time to deliver news and then go wait for his paycheck at the end of the month, which is more than I can I say for most of us. But he reached out and touched so many people’s lives and he was probably not even aware of it. He filled our mornings with warmth and laughter. His, was a life well-lived. 

While you were reading about all the beautiful things people said, did you at least for a moment wonder what you would be remembered for if you were not to see the light tomorrow? I believe each and one of us has their unique gift. Some of us have realised our gifts but we keep postponing them for seasons that never come. Newsflash!!!...You live on borrowed time. Stop making excuses and just get on with it. While you're are at it, remember to let the chef in the kitchen cherish his gift by preparing each meal like it’s his last, or else stay at home and eat 2 minute noodles. It really is that simple. 

Bad Habits

Nail biting, spitting (on the pavement), burping out loud and talking while your mouth is full are just a few of the many bad habits that people find gross. Then we have the socially acceptable habits like the tendency to pass on information people shared with you in confidence, which we justify by saying the person ‘has no chest’. Then we have the other kind that just open their mouth and push, and we always justify their lack of sensitivity for those around them by saying they ‘have no filter’. I am sure you can already think of a few people who fall in these categories within your circle of friends and family members. While you may agree with me that the so-called socially acceptable habits tend to have much lasting negative impacts compared to the effects of someone who just takes pleasure in biting their own nails- I mean, they are only feeding themselves gems- that are all. Whether they stop or continue doing so does not really add or subtract a single day on any person's life, except theirs.

Okay, now that I have your attention, let’s go back to that friend who ‘has no filter’. Let’s say this friend happens to be a teacher…hypothetical speaking. So he is surrounded by kids all day, five days a week. Obviously, they have different learning abilities and our friend happens to be not the least patient of teachers. So, when he wants to move on with the lesson while those children with less advanced abilities have not yet grasped what he has been going on about for the past 20 minutes, he tends to snap and use words like ‘stupid’ or ‘dumb’. According to him, what happens in the classroom stays in the classroom, right? But, the reality is, we, as the society end up raising a low self-esteem child who believes they are stupid because a teacher who also happens to be a well-respected member of the community or religious domination told them so.  Do you get the picture I am trying to paint here? The emotional and psychological effects of ‘not filtering’ before saying or doing something go further than we can possibly imagine. The sad part of this is that, while nails may grow back after biting them, you may never take back the words once they have left your tongue.

Having said that, my plea to you today is that is about time you stopped encouraging these bad habits. Stop laughing when your friend says the most insensitive thing you have ever heard to a stranger. Stop encouraging rude behaviour! Just stop it. By all means do stick up for your friends when someone steps on their toes, but dare not to stoop to that person’s level. Yes, you can’t change the world, but you sure can play your role- no matter how little. This might seem like a minor thing when you look at it with the “people offend people every day” mentality…who cares?  But what we are missing about habits is that they are a key foundation of addiction. Think of a simple example like gambling. It starts as something one does for fun, or to ‘pass time’ as some people like to say. It is okay in this stage because you are doing it consciously and therefore have control over it. So let’s say you happen to win most of the time and that encourages you to keep going back to the casino until you get to a point where going back there becomes an unconscious routine- which is basically what a habit is. Then with time, you get to a point where going back there is all you ever looking forward to, all day. A point where you actually call-in sick for work because you want to go gambling; a point where you stop worrying about anything else as long as you have money for gambling every single day. 

Habits friends, if not paid attention to while they are still on their early stages can lead you to a dead end- literally. It’s about time we called  It Quits! on supporting this kind of destructive behaviour friends. I am sure your friend  cannot be angry at you forever for telling him/her that " Friend, i understand that you believe you have a potential to be a good comedian one day, but you gotta stop making fun of people when we walking on the streets, okay?" If you do not have guts to say this, just think of how your life would be if your friends got addicted into mocking people. You would find them toxic and probably have to think thrice before inviting them to social gatherings with the rest of your ‘normal’ friends. Let’s face it; no one wants to feel  uncomfortable in their own territory.  

On that note, I will leave you to do an introspection and think of those habits that you are personally guilty of.  You are welcome to share them with us here, maybe we can find people who can relate and will hopefully shed some insight on how you can deal with them…until next Wednesday…xxo-P.                                                   

Welcome to Time 2 Call It Quits!

Let me introduce you to my blog...

We often hear people say "hang in there"..."do not quit"...."things will get better"..."there is always light at the end of the tunnel"...and so on and so on...you get the picture? My question to you is...how many times have you sat down and thought to yourself ' had i threw in the towel right there at that moment, i would be better off right now'  or ' i wish i had stopped sooner'? 

We live in a society that associates the act of 'quitting' with failure, when it is in fact a decision to walk away from a catastrophic situation. Time 2 Call It Quits is a platform dedicated to letting you know that you do not have to stay there. It is okay to throw in the towel! However, the challenge that still remains with accepting that it is okay to quit, is knowing the right time to do it. Having said that, my hope with Time 2 Call It Quits is for us to help each other identify those moments where we can say it is now Time 2 Call It Quits! 

I am going to dedicate my time into posting real life stories from friends, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers i meet on the streets, and we are all going to share our views on whether the situations are worthy enduring or whether it is Time to take the step of bravery and walk away or to help a friend walk away whilst they still can.